Broken, Martian trip... almost
Why is the crayon broken? Why are there tears for broken crayons? Why does the black crayon symbolize freedom. What does Mars has to do with all of this?
It was a Cowboy tale. A lone rider riding against his own mind. Brooke was best in the old saddle. She saddled up quite frequently when the subject of Mars came up.
"Wannna go?" Mytris Dyson would ask.
"Of course baby, or course. I am a willing cow poke." Brooke retorted very positively and fast.
My mind reeled why I could not see her outline. At least. The outline at least, so I could color inside the lines. Of course crayons and the old west don't go together so well but for MAA it was a marriage made in heaven or at least Mars. The sky was different when I was in the hospital for the second time.
The food tasted better and the BBQ on Sunday did too. The westerns were playing on both Television Day Rooms. And all in the hospital were satisfied. For now. No sad sounds or yelling on Sunday. Just Cowboys and BBQ, Whether that was the football Cowboys or the Western ones. It was all the same in the Day Rooms on Sunday. Sunny and good.
Visitors would come and go on Sunday's. Yes it was a cow poke time to eat drink and listen to a good western. Whether on tin plates or plastic it was the same to me and Brooke. I left a chair open for her and even put another chair in there as a foot rest.
The other patients I thought knew that was for Brooke and Brooke alone. But they did not. Some cared and did not sit there while others plopped down right on top of her. She was in another dimension. I could not see her just in my minds eye. The outline occasionally at night. Hair down or up was all my doing. I just imagined what Brooke would do to be my girlfriend in the hospital.
Yes, Mars was still scheduled on the TV show. The inter-dimensional TV show. The one I would recap nightly for the inter dimensional audience. This was on a random TV channel you could turn to if you wanted to see me at the hospital with Brooke by my side. It was a like general hospital but for ETs. Yes, it was all real and a delusion at the same time. It overlaid perfectly in the hospital. It was the Holo deck and another world or it could be Mars. Yes, upon taking my nightly 'meds'. I could see in the hard wood floors the messages. In glorious detail. Faces and dogs and Mars. The face on Mars overcast with rippled clouds over head.
"You see Mars, baby?" Mytris Dyson my cowboy personality shown bright and true. A trusty fellow and great friend of Brooke. Brooke the beauty. Mytris Dyson the cast off. It was romantic and all too true. Other patients would egg me on about Brooke. And that they too saw her. And she was more than you can take. So that;s why the show did not show her to you directly. Only in the TV show did she shine brightly.
All was a delusion so I could take being locked away in a hospital. It all had to have meaning, some how. Meaning meant everything to me. While I was locked away I made another world. It smelled and tasted great. Complete with Sunday BBQ.
"Colters! For all!" I stated to the floor.
On Sunday Mornings I read from the bible to Brooke. My selection John 1 thru verse 17 or so. I read out loud and with full voice. It was a great morning passage.
"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and was God." MAA/Mytris Dyson read.
"Baby are you paraphrasing again?" Brooke knew the passage well and knew when I would take some liberty.
"Are you John, baby? Are ya?" Brooke was always up for a new mental game. It was always fresh and fun, I thought.
"Read to me, baby." Brooke begged. And I answered.
"Mars. Oh Mars why are your forsaken me." Well Brooke's real life husband is named Mars. Is there any more coincidence besides that?
No. Mars is still a planet and we can all be there because this is not earth. We are not where you think we are? Star Maps not included. The Star Rift is a big player now. Every night in my hospital room the clear window would come alive and so me all the Star Rift plans and echoes. The glorious street move and the resultant trip to the hospital. Was just a glorious but now we must focus on the First Stay in the hospital. The first was the best. Where I was introduced to the powers of medications.
Like Seroquel. Yes a power medication it is.
"This will help you spin plates, baby." Brooke noted in 'Brooke mode' that I was not my charming Captain Kirk self. I loved pretending to be The Captain included calling up Scotty. I could call up anyone with Telepathy. So why not, Scotty.
What put me in the hospital, keeps me going? Yep. What makes it all go is the mania. What makes it all worth it is being "UP" and enjoying it. The moods are everything and nothing is better than the mania. The "UP" isn't always incoherent. It can be enjoyable and somewhat beneficial. The greatest move on the street is being, "happy" it gives you the reason to live. This is why Bipolar don't want medication. The up and downs are lovely compared to the drugs. The 'meds' even you out. So it is not fun to be alive. Being happy is not about a situation or result but being simply alive. And the senses are heightening and the sights and sounds are more. But it is all a delusion in the end. And that what its like being Bipolar. It sucks most of the time. Not depressing way. But in a results way. You are never sure what your are about and any give time.
Mania is not some whacked out psychosis but a real thing the brain is telling you. So talking you out of it is not possible.The result can be happy in a real sense. If constructive elements are involved. If I am in flow. I would call it. The flow was the mania taking hold or the "UP" portion of being Bipolar.
MAA knew what is and what it was not. He knew the difference between the "UPs" and the downs and the personalities know about what is the difference. They conspire against you and use your highs against you. In a good and entertaining way. The fight or fight response goes away and you are just in the moment. In the Now, of your day. Being neutral is all there is and nothing else matters. You would thing the 'meds' does this but they don't do that. The cure of the mania or the down is always the 'meds.' This keeps you stable. MAA knew that the stable man was the "death" of him as a personality.
MAA is a personality of strength and conviction. But it resides in the eleven year old more than the seventeen year old. Both of which had stints in the hospital. But mostly in the hospital all alone and wanting some to realize that there is more to this "mood disease" that meets the eye or brain. The brain alone is a magical place where truth of a moment does resided in a smell or a single look. There are lasting nostalgia that keeps you going. The nostalgia is what is the linger and the effect that rings in the memory. So it always 'fools' you also. The memory of a smell and look or a picture or word that has more importance place upon it. The meaning of things get distorted.
The meanings of all things were stripped off, when MAA got out of the hospital. The energy and vitality was also gained and wiped out. The meaning of most things ended. The exit from the Martian landscape of being in the hospital. Is just as abrupt and being placed into it. Everyday has little less meaning as before, the medication took hold and placed MAA back into reality. My true identity was being forced out. I was reborn as a new man. But these were not great things. Because everything was stripped away, including nostalgia. The take away from my memories were the things that kept me going. Now there was little reason to keep it going. It all became the 'meds.' The target was the medicine and the solution all the same. A simple solution. A simple as a Cowboy riding on the prairie.
The medication "...does cure ya. That's why I told you not to take it. If you love me then love me always. And don't take drugs baby ever." Brooke was still vying from my attention. MAA/Thanos/Mytris Dyson were all slowly dying inside and it's a real death. Including pain and crying spells. The pain now is real. The cure creates the pain now. And I want to return to the heady days of fancy and flight. All seemed real and do..able while in MANIA. Now the cure brings, a sober reality that it was all a farce. A real farce.
As real as not going to MARS with Brooke after all. But exiting the hospital now. I felt the doors in the hospital were doorways to other worlds. And Brooke was just on the other side of this reality waiting for me. The nostalgia of love brought me to the hospital and now the medication of soberness brings me to the reality of my real wife. The wife that put me in the hospital along with my actions. The wife that loved me. Was the wife that put me in.
The anger was real. But none of it was, real. It is a hard reality to take the drugs when Mania can give you great ability. If placed under a check system. But seeing my self in the embarrassing situation of a mental hospital is all one really needs. It all becomes embarrassing and never a flight of fancy. Mars will always be a dream. A dream never to be fulfilled. The multidimensional TV show was not going to MARS but home. Home again.
The crayon was given to me from my daughter. It was black and the only writing instrument allowed me in the hospital. When I gave it to her it was whole when she returned it to me it was broken. I cried and did not think I would but I did. She felt bad. But the crayon symbolized more of a broken relationship with family. And yes broken crayons do still write. But broken is broken.
Why is the crayon broken? Why are there tears for broken crayons? Why does the black crayon symbolize freedom. What does Mars has to do with all of this?
It was a Cowboy tale. A lone rider riding against his own mind. Brooke was best in the old saddle. She saddled up quite frequently when the subject of Mars came up.
"Wannna go?" Mytris Dyson would ask.
"Of course baby, or course. I am a willing cow poke." Brooke retorted very positively and fast.
My mind reeled why I could not see her outline. At least. The outline at least, so I could color inside the lines. Of course crayons and the old west don't go together so well but for MAA it was a marriage made in heaven or at least Mars. The sky was different when I was in the hospital for the second time.
The food tasted better and the BBQ on Sunday did too. The westerns were playing on both Television Day Rooms. And all in the hospital were satisfied. For now. No sad sounds or yelling on Sunday. Just Cowboys and BBQ, Whether that was the football Cowboys or the Western ones. It was all the same in the Day Rooms on Sunday. Sunny and good.
Visitors would come and go on Sunday's. Yes it was a cow poke time to eat drink and listen to a good western. Whether on tin plates or plastic it was the same to me and Brooke. I left a chair open for her and even put another chair in there as a foot rest.
The other patients I thought knew that was for Brooke and Brooke alone. But they did not. Some cared and did not sit there while others plopped down right on top of her. She was in another dimension. I could not see her just in my minds eye. The outline occasionally at night. Hair down or up was all my doing. I just imagined what Brooke would do to be my girlfriend in the hospital.
Yes, Mars was still scheduled on the TV show. The inter-dimensional TV show. The one I would recap nightly for the inter dimensional audience. This was on a random TV channel you could turn to if you wanted to see me at the hospital with Brooke by my side. It was a like general hospital but for ETs. Yes, it was all real and a delusion at the same time. It overlaid perfectly in the hospital. It was the Holo deck and another world or it could be Mars. Yes, upon taking my nightly 'meds'. I could see in the hard wood floors the messages. In glorious detail. Faces and dogs and Mars. The face on Mars overcast with rippled clouds over head.
"You see Mars, baby?" Mytris Dyson my cowboy personality shown bright and true. A trusty fellow and great friend of Brooke. Brooke the beauty. Mytris Dyson the cast off. It was romantic and all too true. Other patients would egg me on about Brooke. And that they too saw her. And she was more than you can take. So that;s why the show did not show her to you directly. Only in the TV show did she shine brightly.
All was a delusion so I could take being locked away in a hospital. It all had to have meaning, some how. Meaning meant everything to me. While I was locked away I made another world. It smelled and tasted great. Complete with Sunday BBQ.
"Colters! For all!" I stated to the floor.
On Sunday Mornings I read from the bible to Brooke. My selection John 1 thru verse 17 or so. I read out loud and with full voice. It was a great morning passage.
"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and was God." MAA/Mytris Dyson read.
"Baby are you paraphrasing again?" Brooke knew the passage well and knew when I would take some liberty.
"Are you John, baby? Are ya?" Brooke was always up for a new mental game. It was always fresh and fun, I thought.
"Read to me, baby." Brooke begged. And I answered.
"Mars. Oh Mars why are your forsaken me." Well Brooke's real life husband is named Mars. Is there any more coincidence besides that?
No. Mars is still a planet and we can all be there because this is not earth. We are not where you think we are? Star Maps not included. The Star Rift is a big player now. Every night in my hospital room the clear window would come alive and so me all the Star Rift plans and echoes. The glorious street move and the resultant trip to the hospital. Was just a glorious but now we must focus on the First Stay in the hospital. The first was the best. Where I was introduced to the powers of medications.
Like Seroquel. Yes a power medication it is.
"This will help you spin plates, baby." Brooke noted in 'Brooke mode' that I was not my charming Captain Kirk self. I loved pretending to be The Captain included calling up Scotty. I could call up anyone with Telepathy. So why not, Scotty.
What put me in the hospital, keeps me going? Yep. What makes it all go is the mania. What makes it all worth it is being "UP" and enjoying it. The moods are everything and nothing is better than the mania. The "UP" isn't always incoherent. It can be enjoyable and somewhat beneficial. The greatest move on the street is being, "happy" it gives you the reason to live. This is why Bipolar don't want medication. The up and downs are lovely compared to the drugs. The 'meds' even you out. So it is not fun to be alive. Being happy is not about a situation or result but being simply alive. And the senses are heightening and the sights and sounds are more. But it is all a delusion in the end. And that what its like being Bipolar. It sucks most of the time. Not depressing way. But in a results way. You are never sure what your are about and any give time.
Mania is not some whacked out psychosis but a real thing the brain is telling you. So talking you out of it is not possible.The result can be happy in a real sense. If constructive elements are involved. If I am in flow. I would call it. The flow was the mania taking hold or the "UP" portion of being Bipolar.
MAA knew what is and what it was not. He knew the difference between the "UPs" and the downs and the personalities know about what is the difference. They conspire against you and use your highs against you. In a good and entertaining way. The fight or fight response goes away and you are just in the moment. In the Now, of your day. Being neutral is all there is and nothing else matters. You would thing the 'meds' does this but they don't do that. The cure of the mania or the down is always the 'meds.' This keeps you stable. MAA knew that the stable man was the "death" of him as a personality.
MAA is a personality of strength and conviction. But it resides in the eleven year old more than the seventeen year old. Both of which had stints in the hospital. But mostly in the hospital all alone and wanting some to realize that there is more to this "mood disease" that meets the eye or brain. The brain alone is a magical place where truth of a moment does resided in a smell or a single look. There are lasting nostalgia that keeps you going. The nostalgia is what is the linger and the effect that rings in the memory. So it always 'fools' you also. The memory of a smell and look or a picture or word that has more importance place upon it. The meaning of things get distorted.
The meanings of all things were stripped off, when MAA got out of the hospital. The energy and vitality was also gained and wiped out. The meaning of most things ended. The exit from the Martian landscape of being in the hospital. Is just as abrupt and being placed into it. Everyday has little less meaning as before, the medication took hold and placed MAA back into reality. My true identity was being forced out. I was reborn as a new man. But these were not great things. Because everything was stripped away, including nostalgia. The take away from my memories were the things that kept me going. Now there was little reason to keep it going. It all became the 'meds.' The target was the medicine and the solution all the same. A simple solution. A simple as a Cowboy riding on the prairie.
The medication "...does cure ya. That's why I told you not to take it. If you love me then love me always. And don't take drugs baby ever." Brooke was still vying from my attention. MAA/Thanos/Mytris Dyson were all slowly dying inside and it's a real death. Including pain and crying spells. The pain now is real. The cure creates the pain now. And I want to return to the heady days of fancy and flight. All seemed real and do..able while in MANIA. Now the cure brings, a sober reality that it was all a farce. A real farce.
As real as not going to MARS with Brooke after all. But exiting the hospital now. I felt the doors in the hospital were doorways to other worlds. And Brooke was just on the other side of this reality waiting for me. The nostalgia of love brought me to the hospital and now the medication of soberness brings me to the reality of my real wife. The wife that put me in the hospital along with my actions. The wife that loved me. Was the wife that put me in.
The anger was real. But none of it was, real. It is a hard reality to take the drugs when Mania can give you great ability. If placed under a check system. But seeing my self in the embarrassing situation of a mental hospital is all one really needs. It all becomes embarrassing and never a flight of fancy. Mars will always be a dream. A dream never to be fulfilled. The multidimensional TV show was not going to MARS but home. Home again.
The crayon was given to me from my daughter. It was black and the only writing instrument allowed me in the hospital. When I gave it to her it was whole when she returned it to me it was broken. I cried and did not think I would but I did. She felt bad. But the crayon symbolized more of a broken relationship with family. And yes broken crayons do still write. But broken is broken.
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